So many of you aunties have written in to SavvyAuntie.com with questions about the role of uncles that I think it is important to address it here.

“Uncles” include your husbands, fiancées, partners and wished for men in your lives. Most of the issues center around men who do not feel as intensely as you do about their role, are threatened or jealous by your involvement with your nieces and nephews and questions about the way future relationships might impact on your “auntieness.”

It is important to understand a few facts: Firstly, males, in general, do not have the hormonal/chemical makeup that females have; we are  different from each other. Males have greater amounts of testosterone which is associated with action, problem solving, aggression and physical strength. Females have more estrogen, which has to do with sensitivity, emotions, nurturing and intuition. Secondly, females are brought up in western cultures to be caring, agreeable, and homebodies. At the same time males are raised to be strong, tough, successful in the outside world and not show their “soft” side. Physiologically we are different, up until fairly recently educationally/economically there have been differences, and of course, genetically there are differences. This is a simplistic model that is valid and yet not 100% true. Helen E. Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, describes our distinctions scientifically examining the neural chemistry of people in love and tracing our ancestry back thousands of years.

Aunts and Uncles Make Different Connections

This information adds up to men not being good candidates to be aunties. So, stop criticizing them for not being more like you. Instead, understand they bring a different component to your nieces’ and nephews’ lives.  It is difficult for men to feel incompetent and helpless. Those are often the feelings that very young children engender. Their brand of caring usually doesn’t bloom until the children can actually play physical games, talk and go to activities outside the house. The more patient you are and the more you acknowledge their contribution, the more forthcoming they will be.

Men who are resentful, jealous and feel left out just need a little more attention and TLC from you. It is important for your man to feel he is your number one; if you give him what he needs he will be more likely to join you in your involvement with your nieces and nephews. Beware of your over-flowing fountain of anecdotes and adoration. This translates to…”what about ME”?

For the aunties who are looking for a life partner and want to know how he will behave with your niece or nephew…don’t ask just act! He will be put off by an in depth interview on his views about children (for many reasons). Take him to a park, a child friendly restaurant or for a very brief visit to your sibling’s home, armed with a pre-purchased little gift. Step back and give him room to make his own connection and compliment him afterwards. Then like any good soup, let it simmer on a back burner stirring very gently once in a while. I know it sounds like a great deal of work, imagine how he feels when helping you with a typical man thing. Yes, relationships are work! That is the investment, and it will pay big dividends in the long run!